Vietnamese girls torn between new world, tradition
With their Tommy Boy down jackets, DKNY T-shirts, and candy-colored knapsacks, the giggling girls are a portrait of American teenage style. But when they speak of boyfriends, parental expectations, and the pressures in their world, their traditional Vietnamese upbringing takes charge.
'My parents don't let me have a boyfriend," Nhu Ly, 14, confided during a session at an afterschool group for Vietnamese girls. ''If I did want one, I wouldn't want to hide it from them. It would make my mother not trust me, and I don't want to risk that. I respect them too much." Nhu and the other girls may be growing up in the United States, but they are guided by values born in Vietnam. They may look like typical American teenagers, but Vietnamese culture still fashions their lives.
It can also make them outsiders in their own backyard. Tugged on one side by parents worried that they will become too American, and on the other by peers who say they are not American enough, the girls often feel caught in the middle. In a country where their US-born counterparts are often allowed to date at 15 or younger, stay out late, and have slumber parties, these girls must abide by more stringent standards. In classrooms where students are often boisterous and unafraid to challenge teachers, these girls are respectful and soft-spoken. In their homes, these high school students said, the rules for girls are strict and simple: no boyfriends, sleepovers, or late-night socializing. Girls are expected to get outstanding grades, graduate from college, and launch professional careers before even thinking about dating.
The girls don't chafe at the restrictions. Instead, they work hard to honor the high expectations. ''At first I was happy to be in this new environment, then I felt a lot of trouble," said Ngoc Nguyen, 16, a South Boston High School student who came from Vietnam 2 years ago. ''My parents think I will be going wrong, meeting bad friends." But at school her classmates often tease her about being so quiet, Ngoc said. ''We are girls. We are shy. American teenagers get excited, talk loud. We talk smaller. I am Vietnamese; that is how we are."
It is a problem shared by hundreds of Vietnamese-American girls who are striving to hold on to tradition while struggling to adapt to a new environment. The balancing act can take a toll. ''I feel like I'm divided into two cultures: The Vietnamese is to be serious and study; the American is to have fun," said Thao Nguyen, 16, a South Boston High School student. ''I learned that I can't be what everyone wants me to be. I'm the outcast of my family, the rebellious one." Thao said she responded to the pressures by rejecting ''the typical Asian lifestyle." She started smoking and hanging out with street gangs; she dyed her hair red and got a nose ring. Now, Thao said, she wants to return to a more traditional path.
''I'm starting to become a more typical Asian, someone who grows up, listens to their family, gets A's and B's, a good job, a good car," she said. In Dorchester, home to the area's largest Vietnamese enclaves, many community activists began hearing accounts of girls who, like Thao, have rebelled against their parents by cutting class, dropping out of school, and running away from home. Other girls, bound by traditional roles, appeared to lack self-confidence, independence, and other skills needed to succeed in this country, community activists say. In response, several community organizations such as the Vietnamese American Community Association have established groups to help girls, most of whom were born in Vietnam, navigate the demands of the United States without shedding their old culture.
''We saw that girls needed support that they could not find in their families or at school," said Phuongdai Nguyen, youth coordinator of the community association, which runs Today's Girls, Tomorrow's Leaders, the after-school program that Ngoc and Nhu both attend. ''In Vietnamese culture, the girls don't have freedom," she said. ''At home, they can't speak up or say no. We want to let them know they have support, that we hear their voice." The group, which ranges from six to 30 girls, meets three days a week at the community association offices on Dorchester Avenue. There the girls discuss everything from leadership skills and dating to the differences between American and Vietnamese parents.
''So often, Asian-American youth look around and have different experiences than their peers," said Karen L. Suyemoto, an assistant professor of psychology and Asian-American studies at the University of Massachusetts at Boston. ''This kind of group is very important, because it normalizes their experiences. It provides a place where they can talk about it and be accepted. ''Sometimes they don't understand their parents' perspective," she said. ''This helps them understand their culture and to see that the choice is not to be American or Vietnamese. It's possible to be Vietnamese-American and hold onto those values." In the hallway outside the girls' meeting room, the walls are decorated with collages that describe ''The Life of Vietnamese Teenager." The artwork, created by the girls, reflects the dichotomy of their lives.
One depicts the changing moods of a Vietnamese-American girl: ''Interesting (the move to the US). Happy (Meet grandmom and relatives). Sad (Faraway from relatives and friends in Vietnam). Depression (no English). Exhausted (Learning and working and adapting to a new environment.) Worried (Family, studying, learning English, go to college, the future)."
Another, with photographs of the Vietnamese and American flags, lists the disparate elements of their lives: ''Love. Education. Past. Culture. Freedom. Future. Hope. Friends. Me." 'They want to look like Americans," Nguyen, the coordinator, said as she looked at the collages. ''But they all use Vietnamese symbols. The culture is still inside them." Inside the room, the girls spent the afternoon debating American and Vietnamese parenting styles. On a blackboard, they wrote their vision of American families, drawn from the Internet, the media, and friends: ''The majority of American parents are more understanding and outgoing with their kids."
American teenagers, the girls thought, can make their own choices, pick their own careers, wear makeup, and have boyfriends. But, to these teenagers, that kind of freedom might not be such a good thing. ''American parents want their child to make their own choices," Nhu said. ''We thought it was a negative, because they can fall into a deeper hole. Sometimes, they get too much. That is spoiling. Sometimes parents have to take drastic measures."
Sleepovers, however, were a different matter. The freedom Americans enjoy is something to envy when it comes to slumber parties. ''They can be good because you can have girlfriend talks and pillow fights," Nhu said, with a trace of wistfulness in her voice. ''I can't go, but I think it would be fun to talk to friends and have time to be free and wild, but not too wild." Vietnamese girls, expected to be flawless and obedient, have to stay at home and follow career paths chosen by their parents. ''Vietnamese parents want us to be lawyers, doctors, psychiatrists, and pharmacists," said Ngoc, who plans to become a pharmacist. ''They want to be proud. They want people to say they are good parents because they teach their child to be a lawyer or doctor." The girls do not learn how to make decisions or take responsibility, Ngoc said. ''We don't have confidence to do anything."
But, she added, ''There is another reason they want us to be good. Our parents also think of us. If we become a doctor or lawyer, we will have a good future." ''Overall, whatever they do is always good for you," Nhu agreed. She smiled. ''I'm going to hug my mom today."
By Monica Rhor - The Boston Globe - December 5, 2004
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