Vietnamese women take control of their own lives
HO CHI MINH CITY - Drop by evening business classes, a
dance or fitness center in Vietnam, and you are likely to come across
large numbers of single women.
While this may be nothing unusual in many other countries, in Vietnam it
is one among many signs that of the changes in society that have set-in
during doi moi (economic regeneration) that began more than a decade
ago.
Today, it is no longer rare for women to decide to remain single to
pursue their careers or even to break up with their husbands, without any
fear of "what people will say". In the past, middle-aged single women
were as scarce as hen's teeth. Anybody pushing 20 was expected to
soon do her "matrimonial and familial duties", before the old folks started
wondering whether something was "not quite right".
But the great economic and cultural changes in Vietnam do not mean
single women have broken all the old perceptions of what they should
be. "My parents and neighbors ask me all the time why I do not want to
get married though I am a nice girl," said Tran Thi Thu, a 30-something
who works for a company with foreign investment funds. "The question
does not upset me, but the tone does. It is as if nothing else I've achieved
in my life is worth anything if I am not married," she added.
The same thing happened to Le Thi Thuy Tien, a business development
executive for a joint venture in Ho Chi Minh City in southern Vietnam.
Even though her parents and friends keep telling her that she is "close to
the edge" at 28, Tien says she does not view it as a problem. This is the
age when traditional thinking says a Vietnamese woman has to be
married, lest she be thought of having "something wrong" with her mind
or body.
"I love my job and still love being single," she says, adding she will remain
so unless she finds the right partner. "I dedicated most of my time to my
work and studies in my field, they are the two great interests of my life."
She is among the 100 educated women who said in a recent survey that
they had no intention to get married yet, with 30 of them affirming they
would stay single.
The latest General Statistics Office (GSO) data shows that the period at
which a Vietnamese woman is considered to be ready for marriage has
definitely shifted. The peak time for it now ranges from 25 to 30, when
just a few years back it was between about 18 to 23. Social scientists
attribute this to factors ranging from the "more progressive and free
attitudes" both toward and among women, to the inevitable pressures of
industrialization.
GSO estimates that 8 percent of all director and deputy director
positions in state companies in Vietnam are held by women. They also
hold 18 percent of provincial company director positions. Journalism,
marketing and tourism are the careers that have the highest number of
single women, government data show.
Being always on the move for their work, many say they have no time for
courting and dating. "For me, marriage is not the first priority," says a
29-year-old reporter. "For an uneducated girl, marriage may be the only
thing she has in her whole life but I have a great deal to do other than
think about marriage."
Many educated women find men of their age too young and "not mature
enough", and would like to have for a husband "not just a man to rely on
financially, but emotionally", Thuy Tien said.
Thuy Tien herself got married this year to a businessman five years older
than her. Though her husband still encourages her to pursue her career,
she admits that she has not enough time to fulfill her dream. "I am
sacrificing my own ambitions," she says, "like millions of Vietnamese
women."
But Ngo Thi Bich Van, a 32-year-old executive at the Ho Chi Minh City
Foreign Bank, says: "A career is a big part in a life of a modern woman
and there is no reason to give up your desires to follow a husband's
rules."
Her former husband, a trading company director, had wanted her to stay
home after they got married. "A wife should spend the rest of their
waking hours doing housework, looking after children and waiting for
their husbands to come home," she recalls him saying. "We like clever
and independent women, but we do not want to get married with them.
Clever and independent women at work are okay, but having such a wife
at home is not a good choice," he had added. After several quarrels
between husband and wife, Van decided to seek a divorce.
Looking back, Hanoi-based sociologist Le Thi Quy says: "While ancient
ideals and concepts continue to influence people's thinking about women,
the real lives of women have changed profoundly."
The rigid taboo against divorce has crumbled. By 1996, the most recent
statistics available, 44,000 divorces were granted and half that number
were initiated by women. "People look at divorce now with a more
forgiving eye," explains Quy. "They are beginning to understand that
personal happiness is one important element of a marriage."
But a recent Ho Chi Minh survey undertaken by the Phu Nu (Women)
newspaper partly attributes the rising divorce rate to the increasing
preoccupation among Vietnamese with careers and making money.
"We're earning a lot of money, but we don't have enough time to talk and
share troubles with each other," says Nguyen Thi Dao, owner of a
jewelry shop at An Dong market here. When she found out that her
husband took her money and gave it to another woman, she decided to
end the marriage. Now 40 and the mother of two children, she decided
to lead an independent life.
That was also the choice of 37-year-old Do Thi Luu. Tired of being left
alone at home by her husband who spends after-work hours drinking
beer with friends and colleagues, she decided to have her own good
time. She renewed ties with her old friends, including those who
remained single or split from their husbands, and formed a group that
frequented fitness clubs, karaoke parlors and other places of
entertainment. After some time, Luu asked for a divorce. "Women
should not be considered second class," she says.
By Tran Dinh Thanh Lam - Asia Times - March 8, 2001.
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